Whilst the jury’s still out, early evidence suggests working moms are paying the largest pandemic penalty. How do we move from resentment to a paradigm shift?

When COVID-19 forced parents and children to work and learn from home, gender equality experts were divided: The optimists predicted a win for working mothers as #WFH dads, with more time and less commute, stepped in to share the load; the pessimists forecasted a massive step backwards—”men’s professional roles, largely better paid,” they said, “will be prioritised, and mom’s already packed agenda would now be supercharged with the addition of homeschooling.”

With headlines like Nearly Half of Men Say They Do Most of the Home Schooling. 3 Percent of Women Agree, it seems the pessimists are in the lead. But rather than the usual extreme responses of outrage or resignation, is there something more constructive and enduring we could do? As Mother’s Day draws to a close, here are a few options for consideration.

Privilege is invisible to those who have it. Make the invisible visible.

When first introduced to the outcomes of gender inequality – wage gaps, sexual harassment, violence against women, thwarted careers – my immediate reaction was outrage directed towards the entire male population. My partner can attest to that. A wise friend though, from years of training in shifting mindsets, proposed an alternative approach. Rather than shaming and blaming men, something that only entrenches behaviours, he suggested raising awareness of root cause and the damaging impact of inequality for both men and women.

Since then, my colleague and I have worked with hundreds of senior male leaders sharing the social and cultural contributors to gender inequality. To name but a few:

• the myth that women are more interested in motherhood than careers;
• the impact of twice as many women working part-time over men, consciously and unconsciously informing children’s views about gender roles;
• biased attitudes, even amongst younger men, regarding which sex makes better carers;
• globally lagging childcare and parental leave policies that drive women out of, rather than supporting their participation in the workforce;
• single-sex boys’ schools that instil a sense of entitlement and reinforce, indeed reward traditional masculinity and suboptimal attitudes towards women.

Did the men in the room create this system of (dis)advantage? No. Were they more inclined to support initiatives to change it when they understood the source? 100%.

Shift the Narrative: What’s in it for men?

The highest cause of death amongst Australian men aged 18-40 is suicide, in part attributed to the stress and pressure imposed by our entrenched male breadwinner culture. When we ask groups of men, “How many of you would be in a difficult situation, financially and mentally, if you lost your job tomorrow?”, those with stay-at-home or part-time working partners all raise their hands.

The benefits to men in gender-equal relationship range from greater mental and physical health to better relationships with partner and children. So why do we continue to focus solely on what’s in it for women? If the situation were reversed, if women were ahead in the game of equality, would we be convinced to relinquish our advantage based on what’s in it for men? No. We’d quietly question, what’s in it for us. As Paul Keating quipped and every psychologist can confirm “In a two-horse race, always back self-interest.” Shift the focus to how sharing the load, at work and at home, benefits all.

Bringing it back home: Share the load through healthy negotiation.

In recent years, a number of working mothers and feminist authors have provided practical tools to overcome women’s household and childcare overload. One of my favourites was introduced by Tiffany Dufu in her book Drop the Ball – Achieving More by Doing Less. Tiffany tells the tale of how her gender-equal relationship took a hit when she and her husband had kids (familiar story?). After the initial resentment, Tiffany got creative. She made a mile-long Excel spreadsheet with every last childcare and household duty—from packing lunches to managing finances. She put her initials beside the responsibilities she was currently leading and, no surprise, they appeared in three-quarters of the fields. When she showed it to her husband, for the first time he understood why she was so exhausted. They negotiated the list sharing responsibilities equitably and instead of divorce, she’s got a healthier relationship (and a best-selling book!).

I write this today because I’ve heard too many heartbreaking stories from female friends and colleagues who are carrying far too much of the load during this COVID-19 crisis. Eventually, kids will go back to school, but women will still be carrying the heavier load at home, and many of the men will be doing the same at work. For a few couples, that may be just fine. But for the majority out there, a bit of healthy, non-judgemental education and communication may go a long way to help re-build pandemic-challenged relationships and contribute to healthier, more respectful relationships in the long run. Happy Mother’s Day.